I want to tell my story to help other families who are going through this tragedy and to help me grieve. Mostly to help me grieve.
Here's my story.
Finding out I was pregnant:
The only thing I have ever wanted to do as an adult is to be a mom. As a child I thought of all the ways to teach them right and wrong, their ABCs, etc. I have 3 college degrees so I can work after they are older, but my primary goal is to be a mom. I'm so grateful to have a husband that loves kids and also wants to start having kids sooner rather than later. I didn't want to start trying until I was done with student teaching, but oh well. I stopped taking birth control on November 29th, 2014, two weeks before school let out. (Since most women don't know they are pregnant until 4-5 weeks, why not, right?) So I ditched that little pill. I didn't expect anything for a long time. I discontinued the pill 3 days before my period was supposed to start, and it started anyway because that is what my body was used to doing. So I finished student teaching, Christmas flew by, and then the pain came. I had about a week of stomach pain. Not cramps, but pure stomach pain. They weren't unbearable or super painful... more like uncomfortable and annoying. I had no idea what they meant. I said to my husband, "If I'm not pregnant, there is something seriously wrong with me!" My clothes were also starting to feel tight, especially my pants and my bras. I also woke up in the middle of the night EVERY night. Not necessarily to pee, but because if I didn't eat then I couldn't go back to sleep. That Saturday, January 3rd, I took a pregnancy test at about 3 in the morning. The line indicating pregnancy didn't technically show up, but I could almost see a shadow of where it would be. I put it on the top of the trashcan to look at later, just in case. About an hour later I had to pee again, and a very faint blue line showed up. An hour later?! What does that mean? I left that little pee stick on our bathroom counter (on toilet paper of course) to contemplate its meaning for a week before peeing on another stick. The next week when I decided to take another test (January 10th), I did it while my husband was showering a few feet away. I peed on that stick and it had a very dark blue, stubborn line screaming, "YOU'RE PREGNANT!" My husband didn't hear me say anything so he asked if the stick was done. I said, "Oh... it's done!" It took me a minute to absorb the information before I put the stick against the watery shower door for him to see. He said, "Awesome!" and I opened the door real quick to kiss him. I put that stick next to the stick from last week and excitedly took this picture.
When Monday rolled around, I called the doctor to set an appointment. The soonest they could see me was in two days. They asked me if I knew how far along I was and I told them I could be 4 - 5 weeks pregnant (calculating from after my period when I stopped taking the pill). Nope! When I went in on Wednesday, they told me I was 6 weeks and one day pregnant. That means I got pregnant 3 days after I stopped the pill. That's insane! I'm fertile! Yay! They also recorded my weight at this appointment and I definitely gained weight. I had no idea weight gain happened in the first trimester.They gave me a small booklet on what to do and not do and we set and appointment for my first ultrasound and my first visit with the OBGYN. (There was major confusion with which doctor to see according to our insurance, but I don't remember the details and it was a mess so I'll leave that out.) They told me my due date was September 8th... a few days after my husband would return from a military trip. (That made me nervous. What if I delivered early and he wasn't there? Kinda freaked me out!) During this visit, I asked if bleeding is normal. Of course I had googled it the day before, but I wanted to hear from the nurse practitioner that everything was OK. After all, it was only a tiny bit here and there, not near enough to look like even a light period in any way. She said as long it doesn't have cramping with it then it was fine.
As the days went on the bleeding continued, only it wasn't as light as it was during that first appointment. The bleeding grew heavier... enough that I had to wear two pads a day. (I had read that if there is bleeding during pregnancy to not use tampons so I didn't.) I read that bleeding can be normal unless it is accompanied with heavy cramping and clotting. I had a cramp once in a while, but nothing more or even as severe as my period cramps (my period normally has heavy bleeding and awful cramps). My pubic bone also felt like it was on fire at times. I googled that and everyone said it was normal so I didn't worry. My next appointment was in two weeks so I figured the bleeding and random pains would stop or at least slow down before then. After all, if it wasn't as bad as my period, it couldn't be that bad, right? Right.
The depression started when the bleeding became heavier and lasted for over a week. I remember lying in bed with my husband, crying, and saying, "Why am I STILL bleeding? I can't be excited until I know that everything is going to be OK." I had a feeling that I would miscarry but I tried to not think about it and to think positively. I teared up and/or cried a few times a day, but I still had some hope. I'm so grateful that I was working almost full time during those two weeks to keep me busy! It wasn't until a few days before my appointment that I read online, "If you are less than 8 weeks pregnant, a miscarriage will be like a period without clotting because it is not developed enough to make clots." That's when it hit me. I KNEW I had miscarried. But, I hadn't seen the doctor yet, so I tried to stay neutral. I knew that even if I called the doctor about the bleeding, there was nothing they could do about it but wait it out. So I continued to bleed until my next appointment: the ultrasound.
The ultrasound appointment was originally scheduled for the 28th, but I rescheduled it for the 26th so my husband could be there. The appointment was at 8 AM and my husband had to leave at 8:20 to make it to a work appointment, so I really hoped he could stay long enough to know if the baby was still in there or not. The 26th came and we nervously drove to the doctor. When we got inside the room I told her I'm pretty sure I have miscarried. She gave me a worried look and said, "OK... let's find out." She used a wand thingy covered with gel to shove in my lady parts to look at my insides. (It was actually really neat to see what they can do with technology!) She moved the wand around to look at both my ovaries and my uterus and she said, "I see no sign of pregnancy." I'll never forget those words. She then said, "See that white line? That's where the baby would be." Ugh. That's where it WOULD be. "The good news," she continued, "is that your ovaries are very healthy and your uterus is completely cleaned out, so you can start trying again as soon as you're done bleeding." YAY! And poo. Total mixed feelings. She almost seemed confused that I had miscarried, so hopefully that means next time will work out. I asked her about the bleeding without heavy cramps and she said, "The severity of the cramps depends on how far along you are. Seeing as you were only 6 weeks, the cramps were mild." Oh. That makes sense. Most of my grieving had been done before this appointment, thank goodness! I didn't want to cry in front of the doctor! She left the room so I can put my clothes back on. My husband looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, honey," and kissed me. And then he had to leave while I finished paperwork. When I gave them the paperwork, they asked me to go do bloodwork down the hall just in case.
Fast forward to now, one week later. I went back to the doctor and did more bloodwork. They called me a few days ago and said the pregnancy levels are at 45 and want to make sure the hormones are completely gone. My weight has dropped back to normal... probably from loss of blood and sadness. Or just the drop in hormone level. I don't know. I also stopped bleeding a day or two after the ultrasound, so yes, we are officially trying again :) I am still seeing the OBGYN two weeks from today. The nurse practitioner said that I should follow up with him and to establish myself as a patient with him because he is very busy.
How can irresponsible, drunk teenagers get pregnant and have healthy babies and I can't?! Doesn't make ANY sense. At all. I'm married, own a house, have a few college degrees (AND still younger than 30!), and it's not happening. I'm still sad when I see pregnant women. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for them, just makes me sad that I don't get the full experience yet. I've worked at a preschool for 4 years and helped countless families take care of their kids... it would be nice to have my own. My own kids to teach how to tie their shoe. My own kids to potty train. My own kids to help write their name. My own kids to teach that hands are not for hitting. My own kids to call me mom. Yes, I have done all of these things with other people's kids. Multiple times.
I'm done ranting. I'm fine. My husband's fine. We know it will happen when it is supposed to happen... it's just hard that I finally experienced being pregnant and then it was gone. All the planning and excitement has gone out the window. But, we know that I am fertile, my body is healthy, and we can start trying again right away. That's more than what most people have after they suffer a miscarriage. I'm so grateful for a husband that is so positive and has so much faith. A few days after the ultrasound appointment I asked my him, "Aren't you sad at all?!" He replied, "Yeah, but it will happen when God wants it to happen." In my patriarchal blessing it says I will give birth, obviously right now is not the time, but it will happen (if you want to know what a patriarchal blessing is, go to https://www.lds.org/topics/patriarchal-blessings?lang=eng).
I still tear up thinking about the fact that I had a miscarriage. I know it is more common than we think, but no one likes to talk about it. I don't mind talking about it. I may cry while I do, but it helps me to grieve. I hope sharing my story will help someone else grieve and feel better. If this helps just one person, then it was worth it.
Anyways, I am excited to get pregnant again! We hope it'll happen soon! :)